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Monday, December 17, 2018
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Red Green offers wit and wisdom during one-man show in Dawson Creek

The star of the long-running, hit television show, “The Red Green Show,” offered up wry one-liners, goofy poems and songs and more than a bit of practical experience about life to a very receptive audience that many times was laughing so hard it threatened to rip the duct-tape suspenders many had worn to the show.

Here is just a sample of the some of the observations Red Green shared during his one-man show:

On being a celebrity:

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He said there are now over 120,000 card-carrying Possum Lodge members …

“Most of them have the same DNA!” said Green.

He recalled being pulled over by police officers who were checking his licence plate.

“They opened their badges, and it was their membership cards from the Lodge!”

“I’ve had those same kind of experiences all over North America. I was up in Fairbanks, Alaska, where they did a 21-chainsaw salute for me! I was at a duct tape contest in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and a man there looked like Colonel Sanders the day after the chicken’s revenge! He had duct taped a set of bagpipes to the outlet house of a vacuum cleaner. He got up on stage and played ‘Amazing Grace’ on a Filter Queen!”

On getting older (the comedian is 65-years-old):

Red Green said somewhere along the line of his career he became a spokesperson for old guys, a job he never wanted, but he accepts …

“Here I am, a spokesman for old guys, and okay, I accept it – I do know something about the subject. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably around my age.”

“At my age, going to the washroom is like going to a fireworks display! You stand there wondering if it’s ever going to start, when it does get going there are lots of ‘oooohs!’ and ‘ahhhhs!’ and you never completely sure when it’s over!”

“I got a haircut last month, and I asked my barber, ‘How do you have the nerve to charge me the same for a haircut know as you did back when I had hair?’ He said, ‘I actually lowered the price of the haircut, but I had to add in a finder’s fee!’”

“I think if you get to a point where you have some money saved up and maybe you a pension coming in, that’s the ideal time to go and get a job, because there is nothing more fun in life than to have a job you don’t need! At my age, being a pain in the butt makes life worth living! Oh sure, eventually the will fire you, but then they have to pay you a severance and you can go out and find a job you need even less.”

On today’s youth:

The comedian reminisced about the simpler days of his youth …

“This was long before video games. We didn’t need virtual reality, we had actual reality! We didn’t have ‘Wii,’ we had ‘us!’”

He shared some valuable lessons he learned in his youth …

“Never start anything you can’t stop, and if you think there’s going to be trouble, wear dark pants!”

“I was taught to grow up clean and honest, be kind to your neighbours, and try to end life’s journey with the same number of holes in your body you started with!”

On being a proud Canadian:

“We don’t run around going, ‘We’re number one, we’re number one!’ because most of the time it is not true! And we’re not going to yell, ‘We’re number two!’ because we know what number two is!”

“I talk a lot in the States and I try to teach them about Canada, but to be honest, I mainly just say whatever I feel like! Like I tell them why the CFL has different rules than the NFL – I tell them we only have three downs because we don’t have enough daylight for four!”

“Socialized medicine is not a bad thing – we couldn’t have afforded to do the ‘Red Green Show’ without it!”

Some handyman tips (the comedian claimed to have lived each and every one of these experiences):

“Never get in between electricity and where it wants to go!”

“If you’re wearing a tie while operating a lathe, make sure it’s a clip-on!”

“They call it ‘softwood,’ sure, but it’s still harder than a human head!”

On being married (Red Green will celebrate 45 years of marriage later this year):

The comedian suggested instead of a life-long commitment, marriage should be more like a car lease …

“Instead of marrying somebody you just sign a three-year lease, and at the end of the three years, you’ve got some options – sign up for another three years, you can trade-in, or you can just walk away, along as you haven’t had any accidents!”

He said even after 44 years, he still doesn’t understand his wife …

“I remember when I was dating her, her father took me aside and wanted to know if my intentions with his daughter were honourable or not. I said, ‘Geez, I didn’t realize I had a choice!’”

However, he said he couldn’t imagine a world without women …

“There would be no aftershave, in fact, there would be no shave!”

“Men would eventually decide taking out the garbage was more work than getting used to the smell!”

He shared some advice on what he has learned from his marriage:

“Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything after that is just the beginning of the next argument!”

And on his love life …

“When you get to be our age, the sex is still good, but we would just as soon have a baked potato!”

More on Red Green can be found online at www.redgreen.ca.

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